Hurrah! Apparently, under the water, there is another universe, you betcha! It looks like a plastic bag being stretched out from the inside by lots of drinking straws. Mia Farrow lives there along with her new husband who looks nothing like Woody Allen.
Now meet the creator of this world, Zaltar! You have to say it right. You kind of have to frown and shout with an echo: ZALTAR! Anyway, ZALTAR!, is in reality Peter O’Toole, who I imagine must have been completely shit-faced, not only through the filming of the movie, but to have agreed to it in the first place. He has a magic candle which creates drinking straws, and an Omega Hedron, which is a round Faberge egg, which is placed on a not-very-well hidden spindle on the palm of your hand, where it spins and magic-ifies something or other. ZALTAR! makes a statue of a tree and shoots some life into it using said Omega Hedron. A young girl, Kara, is watching and is impressed.
So impressed is she that she nicks the Omega Hedron and makes a moth which flies through the carrier bag world. Eek! The Omega Hedron gets sucked out, so Kara nips into a handy space ship that ZALTAR! had built for himself, and jets off after it. ZALTAR! however must ‘go to the Phantom Zone’. Go on then, Peter.
The Omega Hedron has landed in the Taramasalata of a witch, Selena. She immediately sees what it is (?) and decides to use it for evil. She’s a ropey old bag, and wants a younger stud than Peter Cook, which is understandable. Peter Cook was never the Brad Pitt of his day, and as if to accentuate this his name in the film is Nigel, which along with his 80’s suit, further asshole-anates him.
No, she sets her sights on Ethan the matchstick chewing gardener, and creates a potion that’ll make him fall in love with the first person he sees. The spell is made of a spider in a peanut, which she then boils in oil. Whilst this is a very inventive way of destroying spiders, you have to feel sorry for the little blighter, especially as he screams when she closes the lid of the nut. Oh yes! Spiders can scream like you and I.
Meanwhile, Kara has handily found a Supergirl costume in ZALTAR!’s ship, which suggests O’Toole was planning some kerrazy shit on his trip. She puts it on, and the ship travels through some eggs (honestly) and then she shoots out of the water and finds she can suddenly fly and shoot lasers out of her eyes. She is now Supergirl. Ta-da! Yes, it also seems that she’s Superman’s cousin, despite the fact that he came from Krypton and she comes from Plastic Bag Land under some lake in the North West of America
So to better blend in while she searches for the Amiga Headandshoulders, she turns herself into a schoolgirl, yet another power she’s handily discovered and mastered, and starts at a school under the name of Linda Lee. It just so happens that her room mate is Lucy Lane, the sister of Lois. Lucy is also the most annoying frigbrat in the history of movies, so we won’t mention her again. Just to give you an idea, I include a picture of her snivelling, be-capped visage.
So while she’s out searching for the Sega Omegadron one day, Ethan who has fallen under the lurve spell which was hidden in a beer, calls Selena’s house a dump, then staggers through town in a daze, passing hundreds of women in the process, but somehow not falling in love with them. He meets “Linda” and handily falls for her though, which makes Selena very angry, so she borrows a tatty old bone wand thing from Peter Cook and sends “Linda” to the Phantom Zone.
Guess who’s there waiting? Yes, it’s ZALTAR! who offers her a squirt, then drags her up some washing machine/volcano type structure where he shouts “You caaaaaaaaaan” and then dies.
So Supergirl goes back to find Selena has made a great big castle thing in the road, and beats up a demon. Then the demon eats Selena I think, then the world snaps back to normal, and the castle disappears. Peter Cook looks a right state, and then it’s the end.
Seriously, it’s as boring as it sounds. It’s convoluted, tacky, cheap, dire drivel at it’s worst. If you want proof, look to Selena’s “lair”. It’s a disused ghost train at an old abandoned funfair. The evil witch has plastic spiders hanging on her fridge, and an abundance of spray cobwebs on her doorways. The whole thing must have cost an absolute tenner to decorate.
And watch her slink! Oh, slink she should not! I’ve seen sexier bowling shoes.
The effects are truly something else. The effect at the end when Supergirl is being stretched by the demon is excrescence personified. Likewise, the scene where a demon attacks the school should have been great, but obviously not having any faith in the production, the film makers choose to have Supergirl fight thin air, the plot excusing this by saying it was an invisible demon. Oh, the drama.
Putrid special effects, bouffant haircut after bouffant haircut, Faye ‘desperate and divorced’ Dunaway, Nigel the bumlovin’ lothario, Lucy ‘someone throw nail polish into this girl’s eyes’ Lane and a plot as non-existent as Jordan’s allure all add up to the worst superhero movie ever made, ever, ever, ever and that includes Ghost Rider.
Avoid. No, don’t avoid. Destroy.
P.S: Prepare yourself for a horrific trivia fact:
There is a director’s cut! It runs to 2 hours and 13 minutes, and fascinatingly adds another 6 minutes to the credits. Hurry up Christmas! Hurry do!
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