There are some people in this world who are not built for the role they have been given. Orlando Bloom is a good example, the scrawny girl-faced dearie who for a spell was constantly placed in the role of swashbuckler, and for some strange reason, to further stretch your incredulity to breaking point, was made to wear beards of varying design.
Orlando didn’t complain. He merely continued to accept the roles, allowing the swooning make-up women to attach said bum fluff to his girl-child face. “Bring on ye beards!” proclaimed Orlando probably, whilst sipping his Lipton’s Peach Tea and pouting at a mirror, the steady rhythm of a Ben’s Brother album quiet and obnoxious in the background. Put the brat in a silken gold wig, add some mascara, some tights and call it Legolas however, and Robert is, and always has been, your mother’s brother.
And so we come to Quicksand, not starring Orlando Bloom you will be glad to hear. It stars instead the most ill-suited person to a hard-boiled, trash talking punk role you could imagine.
Yes, Mickey Frigging Rooney was chosen, for some inexplicable reason to star in this elephant pat of a movie. Just for those of you who aren’t familiar with him, he is the odd hybrid of child and pensioner, who has never aged. Never. He has been ten years old his entire life. He is the only person in the world to have been considered a child abuser for having masturbated.
But, this is not the most unbelievable thing about this film. There are two other things that will crack that frown of yours as you watch it.
The second unbelievable thing is that the plot is completely mental. Not good mental. Stupid mental. I’m going to tell you what happens, and you won’t believe it. And if you do believe it, you’ll think to yourself, why? Why? Why did someone pay for this to be made? Stay with me, okay? Here we go:
So Mick is a mechanic called Dan in a garage. He has an absolute honey of a girlfriend, but for some reason, he doesn’t appreciate her. Probably because she’s beautiful and kind and wants to give him money all the time. The bitch.
So anyway, one day while he’s having his lunch in a diner, he meets a blonde (rrow!) called Vera (oh…). He calls her “doll face” and “baby” a few times, and obviously flattered by this and the leering eyes of his mechanic friends, Vera (played by Jeanne Cagney, sister of James) agrees to go on a date with him that evening. But horror! Dan realizes he hasn’t got any money to finance his romantic evening!
So Dan does the smart thing. He goes back to the garage where he works and steals twenty dollars from the till. It’ll be all right. He’ll put it back when he gets the twenty dollars his buddy owes him the next day. The boss will never know. So he goes out for a date with Vera, this “gorgeous” femme fatale whom he’s hopelessly falling for. For whom he’s stolen!
Here’s the third most unbelievable thing. Vera looks like a spade.
A RECIPE FOR A QUICKSAND BOMBSHELL:
1. Take a famous actor, James Cagney will work best, and transplant his head onto the body of a woman.
2. Prune large branch from the boughs of the Ugly Tree, and proceed to beat face liberally until softened.
3. Using a file, remove any lips still remaining on face, and introduce ice into the bloodstream for the “pinched” effect.
4. Bake for two hours at Gas Mark 9.
5. Introduce a blonde wig garnish and shove into the world, to be salivated over by Man-Children.
Note: Throughout process, take care not to remove any manly attributes to the body itself, IE: The Man-Ass, the Man-Shoulders and the Man-Penis.
Yes, sad fact, but she’s actually hideous. But you know, diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks. If Dan’s happy, then let him remove her from the singles bars. Bachelors of the world rejoice!
So for their first date, they go to an arcade on a pier. There’s no Street Fighter 2 or Chase HQ, so they have to make do with pinball and other such excrescence. While they’re there, they are approached by Vera’s former boss, Nick Dramoshag (no really) who’s played by Peter Lorre. He and Dan exchange some harsh words, and they leave. Date over.
So the next day, Dan’s boss has some news. The auditors are coming in to check all the accounts. Dan panics and calls his friend to ask for the twenty dollars, but shocker, his friend hasn’t got it. So now Dan has to try and “rustle up the dough” sharpish.
He hits on a brilliant idea. He goes to a jewellery store and buys a $100 watch on credit, then takes the watch to a pawnbroker and pawns it for $20. Shrewd Daniel. So he replaces the money, and all seems well.
That is until later he is accosted by a detective who tells him that he was observed pawning the watch! He explains that an item bought on Hire Purchase cannot be resold until the credit agreement has been satisified. Really. Really, this is the plot, I assure you. Oh but just hang on! It gets better!
So Dan’s going to prison now unless he can pay the $100 immediately, so he goes back to the pier and robs some poor drunk sod at gunpoint. He then pays the $100 back and everyone exhales. Surely Dan, you can’t fart this up any more can you?
You can indeed!
Whilst full of bravado, he again takes Spade Face out to the arcade, and this time decides to smack Nicholas Dramoshag (best name ever) around. But in doing so, lets slip that he might have had something to do with the robbery earlier. So now Nickington Dramoshag decides to blackmail Dan. He tells him that unless he receives a car from Dan’s garage, that he’ll go to the police and tell them that Dan was the one that mugged the wino. At this point, you can quite clearly see Dan’s face say “For fuck’s sa…”
So Dan breaks into the garage and steals a car, then takes it to Nickatoon Dramoshag’s place. But Spade Face has a better idea. Why not rob Dramoshag? Great idea! So they rob his safe of $3600 and split it.
Phew, thank goodness it all worked out all right.
Except that the next day Dan’s boss tells him that he knows he stole the car! And he wants paying for it right now! Good job they’ve got $3600 isn’t it? Only there’s a new hitch. Spade Face has decided to buy herself a coat made of dead animals. Plus, she has decided that she doesn’t want a man-child boyfriend anymore, and tells Dan to do one.
Finally, he has seen Spade Face for what she is. A spade.
So he takes the $1800 he has to his boss, but that’s not enough, so the boss calls the cops. Dan’s not having that though, so Dan murders him.
So now Dan’s on the run! He takes with him the lovely girlfriend he didn’t like before, but who he does like now because he’s seen that women who look like Spades are a heartless breed. It’s these gorgeous kind women, usually a blight on mankind, that are the true treasures. What a revelation!
And then he kidnaps some poor bloke with a car, who somehow manages to convince Dan to turn himself in at the end. It seems, you see, that Dan’s boss isn’t dead. He’s merely been beaten the crap out of. Dan will go to jail and Gorgeous O’Leary will wait for him. The End.
So basically, you have an escalating series of events that begins with twenty dollars and ends with murder and hostages. It wouldn’t be so bad, except that it’s Mickey Rooney! When he starts talking trash and swatting drunks, and kicking ass, you simply think “Behave yourself you little turd, or no supper”. Why doesn’t he ask his mum for twenty dollars? Why is it that the name Rooney is so inextricably linked with the repellent?
And then you have Spade Face, who couldn’t pull a sickie. And then that plot, which I know I’ve spoiled for you, but seriously, I’ve done you a favour. I dare you to remember if you will, the salient points of the plot and recite them to your friends, and watch as they denounce you as a sorcerer.
But, dear reader, by a sickening twist of fate, you don’t have to go looking for this movie if you want to prove to yourself how anus-wideningly awful it is. You can download it here and see for yourself.
Come back next week, to see what The Random Box gives us.
I promise, no spades.
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